Everything

(••••• Life/ ••••• Matter)

A feat more spoken of than actually performed (if only because so few mages have Mastered Life and Matter well enough to enact such radical transformations of both), this legendary spell transforms a dreaded undead entity into domestic furniture. Variations include soap bubbles, trees, household pets, and – in one infamous urban legend – a bag of flaming poo. Despite such rumors, though, the realities involved in this sort of metamorphosis make the idea more theoretical than practical.

According to rumors, both Caeron Mustai and his arch-rival Porthos Fitz-Empress had several pieces of Kindred kindling in their studies, although this seems unlikely, given the risk of said furniture turning back into vampires at

inopportune times. Certain vampires have claimed – rightly or wrongly – that mages turned them into chairs and other inanimate objects… typically using that claim to justify the nightmarish fates they inflicted upon those mages afterward. It was speculated that the Massasa Wars were sparked by such disgraceful transformations… and in at least one verified case, that speculation is true. The vengeance worked upon the Hermetic Master in question – who dared to turn a flesh-crafting Tzimisce into a commode – remains an object lesson for mages with more skill than sense.

System

Seriously, this is a truly stupid spell. No mage with the Sphere aptitude and Arete to perform it is likely to ignore the many complications involved in such a prank – to wit:

• It’s vulgar. Really vulgar. As in, there is no way to possibly justify this by paradigm-level vulgar. Paradox is inevitable.

• It’s got to overcome the innate resistance a vampire has